Stupid Seeds

Remember that post I wrote roughly a year and a half ago? The one about taking a step sideways and planting oak tree seeds…”when the seeds are strong and ready for the journey…so we will be”…blah, blah blah…

Well, the STUPID SEEDS didn’t grow. 

I tried everything. Sunlight, shade, more water, less water, organic soil and the like but no dice. We painted little buckets and had a family moment and prayed. Still nothing. I kept holding onto hope for a few months until one day, the gardener knocked one of the buckets over and simply raked the contents away. Gone. No thought about what that sweet bucket was holding, just another mess he needed to clean up.

My dream is a mess. 

That’s when I sat on the porch and cried.

Over the last year and a half, we have looked at, saved and inquired about more properties than I can count. Empty lots, lots with shacks, lots with mansions, lots with palm tree groves…you get the picture. We’ve gone round and round about budgets, loan types, locations, contractors, house plans, investors/no investors and more.

This past week we watched a piece of land that we really liked sell to someone else. It was $200,000 out of our land budget, but it was the perfect location and the perfect size. My heart wanted that land something fierce but my head just wouldn’t tell me that we couldn’t make that number happen.

“The lot sold. I’m so tired of this dream.” is all I could say to Scott when I found out. He immediately tried to fix it (sweet fixer-man that he is) and found another property to show me within 2 days. This turned out to be some strange form of torture, as I was still upset about the last property. He gently continued the conversation unaware that I was done. DONE done. This lead to a huge outburst on my part, a storming off (again, on my part), a retreat to a dark shower and a dramatic declaration of, “I don’t want to talk about this ANYMORE!”

Once I recovered, calmed down, the kids were happily playing outside in the sunshine, we did indeed sit to talk again.

(Side note- Isn’t having a dream that’s infinitely bigger than you fun? I told you this blog would share the good and bad. I meant it.)

Once we realigned ourselves with our original plan, reevaluated where were actually were financially, we realized that we’re close. Like, we might actually be there. We might actually be able to pull this crazy thing off…right now. Not the whole thing, but phase 1: land and cottage.

I know this is a bit vague, but I just needed to write it out. I need to document this, the tension, the highs and the lows. The crying on the porch, the storming off, the properties lost, the hope fading. The mess. 

It’s funny that when I finally admit I’m tired, it’s messy and I’m hopeless, it looks like it might finally be coming together. Jesus is so faithful in that way.

I hope to share more in the next few weeks. If there’s news to share, you’ll hear it here first, my friends! For now, we’d appreciate your prayers. Prayer for God’s favor over this endeavor, prayer for wisdom and clarity as Scott and I move forward and potentially make some big decisions.

Stay tuned.

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