Fear Creeping In

The words were there but I couldn’t quite string them together. Moments before our realtor arrived, they came out.

Of course they did. They always come out at the worst time. 

“I’m afraid to leave because this is the only house I haven’t had my heart broken in.” I blurted.

He stared, unsure about responding. 14 years later and I’m still leaving him speechless 😉

We’ve lived in 3 houses during our marriage. I can recall, with painful clarity, moments in the first two houses that broke me. Not a forever kind of broken, but broken for a season. I can recall the bathroom floors I cried on, the shower walls I leaned upon when heartache made standing up feel impossible. I remember tearing through the pantry in a rage, ridding our home of everything toxic or non-organic thing after the word Autism came into our lives. I remember living in a good neighborhood and being broken into, fear then keeping me awake at night. I remember building walls, creating bedrooms and fostering my sisters while my Mommy worked to mend her own broken heart. I remember watching a tiny spider spin a web in the middle of the night as I sat alone in the living room, wondering if my marriage would see the light of day. I remember my family falling apart and spent months wondering if it would be put back together again.

But this house.

This home we’ve made in La Quinta…it’s been good. It’s been growth and laughter. It’s been fresh paint, a thriving garden and bistro lights on the pergola. It’s been messy, loud, happy. We’ve crammed family and friends around our farm table and made memories. We’ve learned to trust again.

And now we’re leaving.

We’re choosing to end this sweet season on our own accord to finally chase after the dream we’ve been dreaming for 3 years. It took me a week to really narrow down where the anxiety is coming from. Now that things are in motion, the fear is real. Now that a realtor is involved, my heart is wanting to put on the breaks. Now that we’re saying things like, “listing, escrow, floor plans, gas lines, tree removal, property lines” and more, I’m just wanting to cling to this safe haven we’ve created. Change is hard.

We’re feeling the fear and doing it anyway, but SHEESH, things just got real.

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